My failure...

Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.  And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.  GENESIS 1:3-4

            Light, darkness, terror and fear, what do all these words have in common?  “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” what do these words mean?  “EQUAL JUSTICE UNDER THE LAW,” what about these, all words without meaning?  Words literally slapped together to demonstrate power and superiority?  What have I learned?  God created the heavens, the ground, and light, but did he create our future?  Doesn’t God love us and expect us to obey him in exchange for promised eternal life, in the heavenly kingdom?  The past school year has given me answers, my reflection now will be out of my failures, I have failed a lot this school year, but now, I emerge stronger than ever, and now, nothing can stop me.

            As we all have experienced, school and learning is an ongoing adventure, and it will never stop.  Never will our minds cease reading and absorbing knowledge.  Einstein described the difference between stupidity and intelligence is that intelligence has its own limits.  From failure to success, this school year has shaped who I am, and who I will be, so here is the story, the real story of my eighth grade year.

            The school year started with the unprecedented sniper shootings that occurred throughout the D.C. suburbs.  It was a scary time for me, and brought our family closer together.  Life is short and random, and who never knows what’s coming up next, just like an amusement park.  What’s worse was that the shootings were taking place while I was getting ready for the T.J. test that was to take place during the month of December.  During the first two months of school, everything had been going my way.  I finally mad the all “A” honor roll for the second quarter, and have kept the title since, and also I was recommended to participate in the “Promising Young Writers” program.  It was an exciting opportunity to write about what I thought about how “Enjoyment Enhances Experience,” even though I didn’t receive the title.  I also had a lot of satisfaction from helping fellow students with their work.  One good friend of mine would call often for homework assistance, and I would help the individual, he or she would then in turn be very reliable for when I had my own problems.

            Yes, everything was going my way during the first two quarters of school, but then, on February 2, 2003 the Shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry into earth’s atmosphere.  I must say that I was deeply shocked and saddened by the accident, and was compelled to write a letter to comfort the individuals whose loved ones had been taken away in this accident.  Again, this situation made me think about life, but it also made me resolve that one day, if I ever do get in power, I will try to change and put more funding into the space program.  It is a promise that I’ll try to keep.

Black Tuesday

However, in the wake of the Columbia disaster, February 4, one day after the postmark deadline of the T.J. test results, I walked out of the school building towards the kiss and ride parking lot, and saw my mother parked, waiting, I knew today must be the day, the mail must have come, and now, something will be revealed to me, it is a moment of truth.  I opened the trunk and threw everything I had in it, and shut the door, and then climbed into the car and sat down.  “Hi,” I said without any eye contact.

“You didn’t make it,” my mom said, there was a faint smile on her face.

”What?” I asked, beleaguered.

“You didn’t make it to T.J.” she continued.

I felt the car accelerate as it left the parking lot and turned left, I first felt shocked, how could this have happened?  What had I done wrong?

            “Didn’t I tell you not to open that damned thing, until I came home,” I said angrily.

            “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know that,” she said, but she couldn’t fool me.

            “You don’t know anything,” I talked back; I felt a tear glisten over my cheek.

            “Oh please,” she comforted, “you don’t think that I actually thought you’d get in,” she said.”

            “You didn’t think at all,” I diced.

I was being rude, but she seemed to understand, “Look, I know this was hard on you, but you wouldn’t like it there, they are too smart and you would get discouraged, besides, I went to someplace similar to this when I was young, and I dropped out, they were so rude, and they wouldn’t help anyone, you wouldn’t like it.”

            “Well damn them, and sucks to them,” I said angrily.

The rest of the ride home was in silence, and when we got home, I refused any help from my mother in taking my stuff inside, “I do not need any help any more, I’m sick of help, and I’ll have none of it, from now on, I’m on my own,” I said.  “I don’t need your charity, or dad’s preaching don’t approach me.”  I was angry now.  Inside, I went upstairs into my room, and sure enough the letter was on my desk, inside an opened envelope.  I tore up the envelope, but just couldn’t bring myself to tear up the letter, so I folded it, wrinkled it, and placed into a book in my shelf, and have not seen it since.  As the day progressed, it was ultimate hell for me, as I faced the prospect of failure, it was the first time, and it hurt and now I was in the dark. 

Revelation

            The third quarter has come and gone, and it has left me in a daze.  I have received all A’s again, but the victory has been hollow.  I isolated myself after the T.J. results and avoided the “smart” people.  I was sick of trying to be and beat them, I just wanted to live out the rest of the year, so I did, and now, at the end of the day, I look back at what I’ve been, and I conclude that I have been a fool, an idiot.  I believed that I could do the impossible, do something that no one has done.  I let down my band because I couldn’t get time to practice, and had to miss what would have been a glamorous victory.  I tried to be the all-around person “perfects” are, but I’m not.  I’m not a genius, not smart, and certainly am not a prodigy, and I am sick of being one, and thanks to my parents, I headed now in the right track.

            Why I didn’t get the “Promising Young Writers” title, or admitted into T.J. is and always will be a mystery, but because of these failures, I feel stronger now.  I have just climbed out of a hole that I was trapped in, before T.J. I felt dependant on luck, I would help people just for the sake of getting that stupid recommendation for T.J., but now, I help for the sake of helping, maybe one day I’ll become a teacher, and make my views heard, but wherever this new path may lead me, our lives are short, and are best left to fate.  As President Bush said on that distressful evening during the wake of the Columbia Disaster, “the same God that names the stars, also knows the names of the seven souls we mourn today, for the shuttle Columbia did not return safely to earth, but we can pray, that all are safely home,” those seven souls are now home, with the heavenly father, and I couldn’t ever be happier on that day, when the lord comes down and tells me, that I’ll be coming home.  From dust we have risen, and to dust, we will return.

Amen